Again, Dr. Claireborne found himself at a loss for words. He could only stare dumbfounded at what lay before him. With slow steps he walked forward. “How did it happen?”
“Ms. Patterson awoke again in the night,” Ms. Hallie said, taking another deep breath. “Once again, she babbled nonsensically. But this time, instead of entering cardiac arrest, she began to become this.”
“That’s it?” the doctor asked as he turned to look back at her. “She just ‘became’ this?”
“I don’t know of any other way to describe it, sir,” Ms. Hallie said. “I was here with Mr. Valentine. We both watched it happen.”
“How long did this ‘becoming’ take?” Dr. Claireborne asked, looking back at the patient.
“Thirty minutes.”
Dr. Claireborne turned back to Ms. Hallie. “Let me get this straight. You say that Ms. Patterson went from a recovering hypothermia victim to this ungodly thing in thirty minutes?”
Ms. Hallie nodded.
“It’s true,” Maxwell said, trying to sound strong in the midst of appearing as though he would fall apart at any moment. “We watched it happen. It was slow at first, then sped up. It was horrible. You’ve heard bones crack, you’re a doctor. All her bones seemed to be cracking and reshaping. It sounded ghastly.”
Dr. Claireborne shook his head. “I can almost believe it,” he said. “But at the same time, it can’t be doubted. How could you make a joke like this? But it still shouldn’t be possible.”
He walked forward and put his fingers on Ms. Patterson’s arm. It was solid, still there and not some trick of his mind. It felt rather like rubber, but not enough like rubber to be some kind of suit or doll. Whatever this was, it was real, and it was really what Maxwell and Ms. Hallie claimed it was.
Dr. Claireborne shook his head and looked up at the wall, not really looking at one thing in particular, but looking inward. Science rebelled against this occurrence. According to everything he had learned, this was not possible, not by any laws or even theories. He sighed and ran his hands through his hair before looking back down at Ms. Patterson.
“Has the patient awoken?” he asked.
Maxwell nodded. “She’s not taken it well.”
“I had to sedate her,” Ms. Hallie interjected. “She won’t come out for about another hour, according to the dosage that I gave her.”
The doctor nodded and sat down on a nearby rolling chair. His head rested in his hands. “I have taken your advice for secrecy under advisement, Ms. Hallie,” he said slowly. “And I agree with it. Until we three understand what has happened, no one else can know about this. I can only imagine the pandemonium that would ensue if word of what has happened to Ms. Patterson spread across the station.”
Ms. Hallie and Maxwell nodded.
“Now, Mr. Valentine,” Dr. Claireborne said to Maxwell. “Perhaps you can shed some light on Ms. Patterson’s condition. What happened when she fell overboard?”
“There was a group of orcas in the area,” the activist said. “They follow the whaling ships, hoping to pick off a whale that isn’t killed outright. That isn’t often, the modern technology they use doesn’t allow for many errors, but it does happen occasionally. They were nearby when Denise fell into the water. We had to circle around to pick her up. The seas were rough, so it took a minute longer than it should have. By the time we got to her, she was resting on an orca’s head. It was spooky.”
“The animal was buoying her up?” Dr. Claireborne asked, one eyebrow raised.
Maxwell nodded. “We picked her up off of its nose. Then we got her back to the boat and made her comfortable. That’s it, until your chopper arrived to pick her up.”
There was a connection there. To miss it was only possible if one was blind. And while Dr. Claireborne did wear glasses, he was by no means blind. He saw the link between the orcas and Ms. Patterson. Something had happened there. But just what had happened, what that something was, that was the mystery.
“There’s no scientific principle for how a woman could be mutated due to contact with an animal,” he finally said. “Yet, that is what has happened.”
“Maybe it wasn’t science then,” Maxwell said.
Dr. Claireborne shook his head and chuckled. “What do you suggest then, Mr. Valentine? Some mystical connection? Are orcas Ms. Patterson’s spirit animal? Perhaps they have given her gifts to wage a war against us dirty humans for raping the ocean.” Mockery dripped from his words, contempt was evident on his face as he spoke.
“But what else is left?” Maxwell asked.
“A scientific discovery that has remained hidden until now,” the doctor said.
“Is science really the end all?” Maxwell asked. “Can’t there be just the tiniest bit of magic in the world?”
“Of course there can be magic in the world. In fairy tales and the minds of artists, where it belongs. The real world needs the structure that science provides.”
Maxwell opened his mouth to say something more, but someone knocked on the door. The three in the room froze in place for a moment. Ms. Hallie gulped as she walked forward and unlocked the door. She opened it just a tiny crack.
“Who is it?” she asked.
“Hallie, you’ve got to see it,” the voice of a nurse said from outside, obviously excited. “Look outside, it’s amazing.”
“What is it?”
“Penguins! Big white penguins!”
A perplexed look crossed Ms. Hallie’s face. “Big white penguins?” she asked, pausing between each word.
“Yes yes,” came the reply. “Come have a look.”
Maxwell looked at Dr. Claireborne. “The last time I checked, there’s no such thing as big white penguins,” he whispered.
Dr. Claireborne returned his look. “What are you suggesting?”
“Two strange occurrences within the space of a few hours? I don’t think that’s coincidence, no matter how unrelated they are.”
“The idea has merit,” Dr. Claireborne conceded after a moment. He sighed. “Very well. Let us go and see this great sight.”
“Is that Dr. Claireborne?” the nurse from outside asked.
“Yes it is,” the doctor replied. He turned to Maxwell. “You’re coming with me. If you remain in this room with Ms. Hallie, there will be talk of a romance and draw unwanted attention to your friend’s condition.”
Maxwell thought for a moment and nodded his head.
Dr. Claireborne walked up to Ms. Hallie. He shut the door and looked at her. “Remain in here. Lock the door. No one but myself may come in or out. Mr. Valentine may only come in if he is accompanied by me. Do you understand?”
Ms. Hallie nodded. “Big birds aren’t really that exciting anyway.”
Maxwell walked up to Dr. Claireborne. The doctor opened the door and stepped out with the activist. It shut behind him and the key turned in the lock.
“What’s the matter with Ms. Patterson?” asked the nurse.
“She has requested some privacy while she recuperates,” Dr. Claireborne cut in.
“She requires limited human contact while she recharges her chi,” Maxwell cut in.
The nurse paused for a moment, then shrugged it off. “Oh well. Come on and hurry. They’re coming right through the base.”
The nurse hurried off down the hall. Dr. Claireborne turned to Maxwell and gave him a questioning look.
“What? It’s what she expected,” Maxwell said. The doctor shrugged and followed after the nurse, Maxwell at his side.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Ah! A free moment to properly look at this! (Three. Months. Later.)
Anyways.
*Bumps and shreds*
This tag with this dialogue seems very disconnected. I'd imagine he'd pause to ask this, since he's so dumbfounded. I'm also not all that thrilled with the tag. I have a hard time picturing it. I'd make it "he walked forward with slow steps."
This sounds like Claireborne with the formality in dialogue. I though Ms. Hallie was more... relaxed than this. It also feels repetitive with the same description being used for the same event. Mix it up a little and give Ms. Hallie a more distinct speech-pattern.
Again, the speech-pattern doesn't feel right. It sounds more like Claireborne throughout this whole thing, with the more medical-terms and all, but with this line in particular it sounds like Claireborne and not Maxwell. I'd use a more laid-back term like "nasty" or "painful" to accomplish that.
I find this to be a hard-to-read sentence. The comma doesn't feel like enough of a pause to make "still there" be its own depended clause. I'd make it a semicolon at the least.
It also feels a bit thin, in my opinion. You're showing us a good bit of Claireborne's character, having him double and triple check that this isn't some trick of the eye, but I'm not feeling it all that much. I'll admit it's my style to have more internal monologues, but this segment makes Claireborne more unrelatable in his stiffness. You need to take more time explaining his logic and what he feels about the event that's just presented itself to him in order for us to relate to him as a character. (You also flirt with offending people in this segment with your comments on artists and more... new age people. You have to spend the time explaining Claireborne's character so we stick with the story)
Suit I understand, but doll not so much. For the limited resources you've described in this setting, it's near-impossible to believe that a doll could have been used. It's probably a bit of characterization on Claireborne, him even considering such a possibility, but that needs to be explained. (Like I said before, Claireborne in my opinion becomes unrelatable in this segment. You need to explain everything)
"Real" and "really" feel repetitive since they start the same way.
There is room for so much more here. I want more. When he sighs and runs his fingers through his hair afterwards, dropping the subject, I really wonder why such a moment that should be a turning point (or the beginning of a turning point) is glossed over to such an extent. How does Claireborne feel about all this? How is he going to deal with it?
This chapter from here on in begins to look more like an information chapter. I told you about that in your last segment I believe; nothing really happens, and the chapter reads like filler. Plot-important filler, but filler none the less. To fix that, you need to work this into your character more. You really need to work this into your characters more.
I've told you about this over MSN already. Her reaction off camera needs to be changed.
Please, just use "said" in this case. Or "said" with an adverb. "Interjected" sticks out like a sore thumb in a part full of "said"s.
This could be me being dense, but no mater how often I read this line I can't really understand it. It seems like he's saying he's considered the advice, but that's not clear.
Your dialogue is beginning to bug me here.I'm not feeling anything from it, at all. This segment has room for Maxwell's reaction after the fact, some comments about how he was worried about Denise, but we don't get any of that. Really makes this segment feel robotic.
How did he nod? With a gulp? Was he shaking a little, remembering? You have room for characterization here. Use it.
This paragraph is probably okay. I liked the line about Claireborne wearing glasses; that was a nice touch. But I don't like how the ending feels a bit thin. Claireborne is supposed to hate mysteries. What does he feel about this one?
And here is why I keep asking for more characterization. Claireborne, here, will turn away some readers who are more open to the "non-science" he listed here. Should we understand his character a bit better, then that might not happen.
Maxwell, here, is lacking a reaction to an almost direct insult to something he seems to hold close to his heart. This makes him look incredibly naive when later on you show he's not. It also makes him look emotionless since he doesn't even flinch.
Another line that has me asking for more characterization on Claireborne.
I think they'd freeze for more than a moment. Only Ms. Hallie moves after this, keep in mind. Remove "for a moment" and re-work the next line so they are A) more connected and B) Show that only Ms. Hallie moved after somebody knocked on the door.
There also seems to be a bit of protocol missing from this line. It seems weird she'd just "open the door" considering the amount of secrecy in that room. Also considering how much she takes Claireborne's opinion into consideration.
Instead of saying that she paused between each word, I'd put a comma so we don't have to re-read this dialogue to have it sound right.
I see what you're trying to do with "conceded" here: you're showing us he had to work to come at such a statement. But that's not obvious, nor does it look good (My comment on "interjected" applies here). Describe Claireborne's thought-process for a moment so we get a smoother line.
Have I told you about how redundant "his head" is after "nodded" yet?
~ You used "cut in" as a tag the line above. I'd replace the one above since I don' think "cut in" really fits in that circumstance, while it does here.
~ This dialogue in and of itself feels really stereotypical of "new age." "Chi" feels like i was used out of context, and it just feels... incorrect. Double-check this statement so you don't turn any more 'new age" buffs away.
Claireborne doesn't do or think anything about how silly Maxwell's statement sounds? That strikes me as really, really odd.
*
Well Connie, sorry to say I didn't enjoy this part all that much. It felt really slow and was rather boring. No conflict to speak of in this part. And you had so much chance to have Claireborne be in the midst of internal conflict between science and magic. I know that's more a hidden character flaw, but by making it hidden here I became disengaged with Claireborne. He just doesn't seem like an interesting character to follow through this part. Especially with how offensive he ends up being.
The dialogue here felt pretty flat. People didn't seem to follow up on comments, just follow a script and say what they have to say in order for this part to finish properly. Flesh out some of those snappy scenes with characters getting offended. It's fun to write and even more fun to read afterwords.
Your tags and sentences in general could use some polishing up. I found them disconnected and "stuck." And by "stuck" I mean they made my eye either glide over the sentence or made me stop short.
I believe I ranted enough about character in my nit-picks to warrant a segment on characters in here. Claireborne's reactions tend to feel unexplained. When he's mocking magic, that's rather explainable, but I needed the backstory on the plot in order to understand his logic completely and not stop reading.
I'll finish by saying I enjoyed the promise of this chapter. The bones really are in place for something cool, and a lot of that cool stuff has been fleshed out already (like, the hinting at Claireborne's internal conflict and the tensions springing up between him and Maxwell) but they just need some more cohesiveness and emotion. And conflict.
Drop me a line with any questions.
Sorry for being so late!
~Rosey
*does review finally*
That repetition annoys me. Unless he just likes to shake his head a lot.
Somehow, they both cut in? I think this is a typo or something.
Sadly, that's all I could really point out in this part, at least at the moment.
Um, yes. Stop writing so good. Teh end.